I'm the type of person who always tries to maintain control. Can't help it. I can read situations and figure out how things work pretty well, and I can generally figure out how to get the results I want if I take control. For a long time though I have felt completely out of control. For years I've been struggling with the most painful trial I've ever gone through, and the more I've tried to get control, the more it's slipped away. It's not that I don't understand it. Actually, I have a very clear view of what's going on and what the motivating causes are. That's what has made this time more frustrating than any problem I've ever faced. I know what the problem is, I know ways it can be fixed, but I've realized that I have absolutely no power anymore to make anything better. In fact, I only have the power to make things worse, and I can see where all of this is headed and it's more dark and hopeless than I can handle sometimes.
In my darkest moments I feel that nobody knows my hurt, and that I can't even cry out for help because there is nobody who could offer any advice that I haven't already heard or thought of, and my life keeps slipping a little further out of my grasp every time I have a meltdown. It's like holding on to a slippery ledge where the more I try to grip, to more I slip, and I start to instinctively flail, which loosens my grip even more.
I feel like destruction could be a moment away and that all it would take is one more episode and my life will be changed forever. I feel myself becoming a warped and twisted version of who I really am, or who I once was... Not really sure which. Anger and cynicism have dug their trenches, and I find myself sometimes not just losing control of the situation, but losing control of who I am.
Today God reminded of the passage in Mark 4:35-41 where the disciples and Jesus were on a boat in the middle of the Sea of Galilee and a storm came up that was bad enough that they thought they were going to die. There were several things that jumped out to me as I thought about it throughout the day and how it pertains to my situation.
1) Jesus was the one who initiated the route and timing of the trip. The disciples didn't just run off on their own against God's wishes and put themselves in the middle of the storm. They were doing what Jesus told them to do. I have certainly made plenty of mistakes, but overall I always try and give God control of my major decisions. Whether I've done good or bad, because of my relationship with Him I am confident that He has led me to this place in my life. I have sufficiently evaluated the situation to know that I didn't not bring about the storm because of my own screw ups (though my reactions to it have certainly been downright sinful at times). I was just trying to serve God and do my best and here I find myself.
2) Jesus was asleep. What? As the disciples asked, didn't He care about the situation and that they were about to go under? The obvious thing that could easily be overlooked is that He was right there with them, in the situation, on the same boat. Just because God isn't freaking out about losing control doesn't mean He doesn't care or see or that He's distant. He was also in the stern (back) of the boat according to Mark. I picture the disciples being there, not having any clue where they were or what their bearing was. I've been on a large lake when a storm rolls in. I've been in situations where the motor begins to run out of gas and you can't see the shore and all you're thinking about is how to find the closest place to dock the boat. Jesus was in the back. He told them to head out and then lay down and relaxed. He wasn't in front of them leading them like a lighthouse in the fog. They couldn't see anything and didn't know where they were going. That's totally how I feel. I don't know where to go, I'm completely out of control, and honestly sometimes feel like I'm the edge of losing my life, and I can't even see which direction to head. That's why I feel hopeless. I don't even have a destination that I can see to give me hope and keep me headed the right direction. I could end up anywhere, and God has not chosen to be in front of me revealing where and how to follow Him. But He is there. That is the real lesson in faith. Can I trust Jesus even if He's not letting me see Him lead? Can I trust that He will calm this storm that I am absolutely powerless to survive and bring about hope even though I see no possible earthly way that things can get better? Can I trust that even though He seems to be asleep in my life that He is just relaxing and waiting for me to figure out how to let Him be God?
Out of control. No view of the future or any bearing to give hope. Well aware that the current equipment and resources are woefully insufficient to survive the storm. Unable to see God leading or even see where the next step is supposed to be. I'm not used to this. I'm used to being able to figure things out. I'm used to at least being able to figure out what I could do better or different that will help fix things. It's easy to say "God is just using this to make me stronger" when you can see hope of an ending or at least have view of a final destination that you are on course for. It's no so easy when there is absolutely no reason for things to get anything but worse and there is no hope because you can't do anything to fix it and it's not up to you to make the right decisions to navigate through. All I can seem to think about is that if things continue like this, my heart will absolutely not survive and I would rather just not live through the miserable and painful outcome of what seems to be settling in.
Drowning has to be one of the worst ways to die. You know it's coming for a long time beforehand. You have time to think about exactly why you will die and to dwell on the fact that you could so easily live if only you had the power to move the few feet to where life-sustaining oxygen is. But the person who is drowning doesn't have the power. They are swept or pulled slowly out of reach of what it is that keeps them alive.
I started thinking about the fact that we are given an example of how NOT to respond when going through an uncontrollable storm, but what would have been the right thing to do? If I was on the boat, what would I have done to respond to the power of God in the right way? I was surprisingly unable to find a lot of good examples that fit that kind of situation. We aren't really told what Daniel did in the lion's den, or Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah in the furnace. We're not really told what Joseph's response was to being in prison, just that God gave him opportunity to move forward. I did find one good example, and that was of when Moses was leading the Hebrews out of Egypt after God decimated the Egyptians and led the Hebrews away in Exodus 14. They walked for a ways until they came to the Red Sea, then they looked back and saw that the Egyptians had decided to pursue them with the might of their army. Again, it's not that the Israelites disobeyed God and ran away against His will. He led them there. They didn't do anything wrong to provoke the situation, it was just the situation they found themselves in. They had no weapon or any means of escaping the impending doom, a lot like the disciples. They cried out in bitterness because they believed that God had forgotten them, and that they were about to die. The LORD, who had been formerly leading them from the front in a pillar of cloud, moved to their rear at their time of greatest uncertainty and despair which is similar to how Jesus was asleep in the back of the boat. Here though, God gives instructions to Moses on what the correct response was. "Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward!"
Ok, so there's the response. I believe it's applicable. Why do we sit here crying over and over for God to show us a way and to make His plan clear so we know what to do? Why do we sit in misery like Job, trying to understand God's reasoning and sitting in our heap of ashes when we never will fully understand why He does things? I have to MOVE. Do I see the path ahead of me? No, but that doesn't mean God doesn't know exactly where it leads. Can I see Jesus leading me through the darkness all the time? No, but He's always right there and always in control of even the most monumentally catastrophic situations.
If God led the Israelites out of Egypt and defended them against the entire Egyptian army when they had no means of protecting themselves, and if Jesus miraculously kept the disciples alive when these seasoned sailors knew their little fishing boat could never survive the storm, He is not about to start failing people with me or you.
I like to research my genealogy. I traced my Dutch side back to the 1430's, and given the history of the Netherlands, there's a good chance I had some vikings back there somewhere. That's what I like to identify with as I reenact historical fights with the SCA or go to renaissance festivals. If I was in the boat I would be the crazy one laughing out loud and daring the storm to try and swallow me as I just kept the boat going forward in whatever direction it was pointed.
A fitting end to God speaking to me tonight was when the last song that was played at church was Horatio Spafford's hymn "It is Well".You gotta look up the story behind it, it will add a lot of amazing context.
When peace like a river attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roar
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well with my soul
Though Satan should buffet, though trials may come
Let this blest assurance be mine
That Christ has regarded my lowly estate
And has shed His own blood for my soul
It is well
With my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul!
No comments:
Post a Comment